Farewell to Aslan

This is a post that I have put off writing.  It's been two weeks, yet I still can hardly believe that Aslan is no longer with me.

Aslan was a purebred Ragdoll cat.  He was the only purebred cat I ever had, and that was only because George had done a lot of research about finding the "perfect" cat to replace my beloved JB, who died on my 50th birthday.  Ragdolls are known to be sweet and docile, and for being great with children.  While Aslan actually turned out to be terrified of children, he really was as sweet as he was beautiful, and had never caused me a moment's problem [other than scratching the sofas, which I truly did not appreciate].

Aslan was pure white when I first got him as a kitten, a little "snowball" who loved to jump up on the bed, and give me kisses in the middle of the night.  Shortly after getting him (September), I knew that Aslan was just aching to have a "little brother," as he would follow me around meowing with a very serious-sounding cry.  I promptly followed his urging, and picked out Gryffyn and brought him home in early November.  The two were best friends from the moment they met, Aslan definitely taking the "big brother" role.  They were born exactly seven months apart, and they died seven months apart, with Gryffyn at age 7, and Aslan, age 8.  They were both much too young to die, and I had hoped for several more years with them.

Aslan loved to be outdoors, and his favorite time of life was when he got to play in our garden in Orem.  We had a routine/ritual where after we went running every morning, we would sit outside (even in the snow), and let "the boys" roam around the garden as we read our scriptures.  As we would arrive back home from our run, we could hear them crying in eagerness for us to open the door and let them do their daily exploring.  They would hide amongst the flowers in spring and summer, and pounce out on unsuspecting birds.  Although this was their favorite activity, neither of them was ever successful in catching their prey, but they had a very good time in the process.  Brett would comb Aslan's long fur, and our neighbor would poke his head out the door and ask if Brett was "shearing the lambs."

Aslan (and Gryffyn) had spent the last several years indoors, as our country estate had too much wildlife on the prowl for a tasty snack, and then I had lived in a room at the LeFevre's for the last four months.  I had really been looking forward to allowing Aslan to explore our new, fenced-in back yard, knowing how many happy hours he would enjoy there.  Besides that, Aslan and Izzy had formed their own friendship, and I felt that they would be able to keep each other company and ease the anxiety over my leaving each day for work.  If only . . .

When I first brought Aslan to our new home, I put him in the laundry room, so that he would be safe while the movers were bringing the furniture in.  When I went to put him in, I thought the room smelled "chemically," but dismissed that thought as coming from my over-sensitive sense of smell.  Not knowing a better option, I opened the window and closed the door.  Aslan cried to get out, just as he had cried to get out of the room at the LeFevre's, but I did not realize how serious it was until I opened the door, and saw that all four of Aslan's feet were running blood, and that he could hardly breathe.  Without wanting to go into all of the details, suffice it to say that Aslan had been burned by something on the floor (perhaps a phosphate cleaner to remove glue), and that his lungs had been burned also.  He suffered greatly during the next 48 hours, as I took him to and from vet appointments, and we tried baths and medicines.  It was truly horrible, especially for a little guy who had never been sick a day in his life.  After $1000 spent in the effort, Aslan and I lost the fight for his life.  It was a terrible blow for beginning the new chapter of life that I had anticipated sharing with Aslan and Izzy. [The building supervisor is horrified by what happened, and no one can find any answers about what might have been used on the floor, etc.  I do not wish to make things even harder by becoming acrimonious or litigious.]

Aslan was a constant source of love and comfort to me, from his first days filling the space left by dear JB, to his last days, purring and snuggling, as I spent many sleepless nights over the last two years.  He truly asked for nothing but companionship, and he had far too little of that since we left Orem.  I am so grateful for the beauty and grace that Aslan offered me on a daily basis.  I will miss him terribly.

Renaissance Fairy Tale

I've always been a fool for dressing up.  Ever since I was a little girl, I've loved to put on costumes and play make believe.  I know I am a little old for it now, but luckily, I still have a few friends who not only indulge me in the activities, but even join along.

This summer's August Renaissance Faire had a Fairy theme, and I thought Isabeau might look like an adorable fairy.  I was right - and she honestly didn't seem to mind wearing her wings.  Everywhere we went, I got the usual every-day question: "What kind of dog is that!?"  This time, I was able to give a unique answer: "Fairy, of course."

Brandee, Anthony, Katie and Larisa were my willing time-travelling companions, as we journeyed back to the days of Jolly Old England.   Larisa brought daughter, Lizzy, who was a champ on the very hot summer day.

Anthony enjoyed the excuse to hurl some axes, and combined with his fireman-training, he, of course, hit a bulls eye (where's your costume, Anthony?).

Brandee and Anthony have been my constant source of warmth, friendship, support and fun for the last two years.  I don't know where I would be without them!

Katie is extremely creative, and definitely looked the part of the fairy-elf.   Ahh, youth and beauty!

The gypsy horse show is always astounding, and my favorite Ren Faire event.  Unfortunately, my cell phone camera cannot do it justice.

I enjoyed every moment of the day, and am so grateful for my young friends for not only indulging me, but helping to make the day a perfect memory of laughter, magic and fun.

Stamp of Approval

On a bright August day, Austin and Faith got to check out my new house for the first time.  It was still in the building process, but they were able to walk through each room, and identify the one they wanted for their own . . . the one overlooking the park.

I had been worried about what their reaction might be, as they had really loved the Carnation house, with it's 11 acres, salmon stream, and the ATV.  It was hard to imagine that anything could live up to that . . . but Austin and Faith gave my new house a resounding stamp of approval, particularly after they explored the park that is right across the street.

 

Choosing my particular lot had been an agonizing decision, but the park and its appeal for the kids had been a big part of the process.  I'm on a lane that adjoins the park, which has two levels of playground equipment, a sand volleyball court, a basketball and tennis court, and a dog park.  I'm looking forward to the fact that the community 4th of July fireworks are held at the park, although I am sure that Isabeau will not appreciate that aspect of our new location.

Austin and Faith eagerly began to explore the various options for play.   They wanted to check out each and every square inch.  It was so fun to hear Austin say: "Grandma, I think that when I am a teenager, I might like to bring my friends here to play tennis . . . and I guess we could also play basketball on the same day, if we wanted to."  We talked about the fact that while I am in cooking dinner, they can be directly across the street, playing and enjoying themselves, and they also took Izzy on several long running sprints across the green.

At the end of our inspections, Austin pronounced: "I think this is going to be a very good choice for everyone."  "How so?" I asked him.  "Well, Izzy will have a backyard all to herself, Faith and I will have lots of choices of things to do, and you will be happy because you can have a sunny garden."  All so very true, and so very hopeful, as I look to the future that Austin described.

Strong Moments

It's been nearly five weeks since we (Izzy, Aslan and I) moved out of our Carnation home.  Each day seems to bring more strength and healing, as I have left behind that monument to broken dreams.  Being at the LeFevre refuge, as featured below, has really provided the space for breathing, feeling and making new goals.

I had made a plan that the moment I "landed" at the LeFevre's, I was going to concentrate some real effort on my physical, mental and spiritual health.  The duties required by my 11-acre, for-sale home just didn't give me any opportunity to do that when combined with my work schedule.  But now, I am happy to say, I am incorporating some healthy adjustments that have already made a difference in how I am feeling.

I have found my way back to yoga, which has long been a powerful influence in my life, and I am loving it.  I had spent some time trying to find the right studio, and once found, trying to find a class that would work with my schedule.  I learned a long time ago that there is a big difference between yoga studios and yoga philosophies, and I had been spoiled by learning from one of the best, Robin Rothenberg, of the Yoga Barn. Unfortunately, Robin closed her doors this last year, and I had to sift through all of the "Hot Yoga" and the modernized, American version that is taught at most of the local gyms.  I love the "real" yoga philosophy that is so healing to mind, body and spirit, where the teacher invites you to practice with intention and often uses guided imagery to keep your thoughts from running here and there.  Not to mention the fact that they actually know human physiology and what is most effective for healing and strengthening the body.

I discovered that some of the teachers from the Yoga Barn had made their way over to the Village Green Yoga studio in Issaquah, and I did a little investigation to see what the philosophy of the studio was.  I was delighted after attending my first "Nia" class - a form of yoga I had never experienced before.  It incorporates yoga, Tai Chi, and dance, and is very flowing and mindful.  So good for my wounded heart, as well as my sore and painful body!  Stephanie, the teacher, invited her class to do a little "Nia" in the garden of her five-acre home, and it was exquisitely beautiful in every way.  The lyrics to the songs she played spoke of praising God, welcoming His love into our hearts, and greeting Nature with gratitude and love.  Our bodies wove and danced in sequences that were completely in harmony with the words of the songs, and I felt transported to a place called Hope and Life.  Tears ran down my face as I prayed out loud all the way back to the office, gratitude running over as thanked God for leading me to that place.

The time away from the grief and mourning I experienced in the Carnation home has also allowed me to really see how the Lord has been constantly with me.  While I had felt punished and cast off, I've come to realize that the Lord really has answered every one of my prayers, including having the opportunity to speak to Brett again and tell him all the things that I had wanted to tell him when he left.  The Lord, of course, could not control Brett's choices, but there is no question now in my mind that He allowed me to have that experience that I had prayed for, even though it didn't turn out the way I wanted it to.

Finding the yoga studio and Stephanie, my teacher, is another example of God's help and direction in my life.  Some months ago, I had a very significant dream that re-directed me to yoga.  Before going to sleep, I had cried out to God that I just "wanted to be held," and I had fallen asleep with tears drenching my pillow.  In the dream, I found that I was being held by "someone" - I don't know who - but that I had a feeling that I wanted to take a walk away from that person, and explore my surroundings a little.

As I began to walk, I began to wake up to the beauty of the nature around me.  I heard the birds singing, and I noticed the leaves on the trees, and the way the sunlight created so many different patterns and colors.  In the dream, I began to stretch and do some of the yoga movements that I have been taught in the past, unlocking my stiff shoulders and painful neck.  These movements seemed to become one with my awareness of the beauty around me, as I walked through the lush wooded area. My movements began to become more free, as I really reached out to the beauty around me, and I suddenly realized that with some of the movements, reaching out towards the leaves, I was lifting off of the ground!  I started giggling, and looked down at my body, and said out loud: "What is this!?"  I then heard the Lord laughing back at me, and the words He said were: "You are my Yoga Gypsy!"  (I hesitate writing this because it is so personal, but my real intent with this blog is to create a journal book for myself, eventually, and sometimes I wish that other people were not reading, so that I could be completely open without fear of judgement or misunderstanding.)

Brett had called me his Gypsy because of my love of wearing colorful skirts and running barefoot out in the fields.  My love for nature, animals, music and large earrings also added to the picture.  I had felt forlorn after Brett left, because I didn't think anyone else saw me this way, and therefore, I would not be "allowed" to let this part of my personality shine.  But, the dream told me otherwise.  I've come to realize that Brett didn't "make" me a Gypsy, or a teacher, or a "girl," or anything else.  What Brett did is recognize those qualities in me and praise me for them.  He allowed me the opportunity to be myself, and now, I want to see myself as I am,and embrace those characteristics.  I feel that the dream was telling me that God saw me for who I am, but He had also given me a direction to healing . . . yoga.  So, last week when I was praying about the fact that my body was in pain, and I needed help, a little voice inside of me said: "I've already told you what to do about that," . . . and off to yoga I went.

Another important health tool I've brought into my life is a circle of friends, women I admire and respect.  I invited some of them to share my journey with me, not sure of whether they would do so only for my sake, or if they, too, might be in search of some of the same things I am.  I had been introduced to the "StrengthsFinder" through work, and had been very impressed by the principles taught by Marcus Buckingham, a pioneer in using strengths as the basis for our lives, rather than focusing too heavily on all that we need to improve.  I had picked up a book and book-on-CD written by Marcus called "Find Your Strongest Life," and asked my friends if they would like to join me in exploring our strengths and building a stronger life.  There were various reactions, largely based on not knowing what this might really be about.  As our first meeting began, many of us were still having a hard time identifying the "strong moments" as Marcus calls them, in our individual lives.  I don't think as women we are even trained to think in those terms!  We are always thinking about how we can strengthen others.  But, as the meeting went on, women started helping each other to identify their strengths, and smiles started to burst through all of the seriousness.  Someone who said she didn't have any strengths, went home with a notepad full of them, and felt more enthusiastic and optimistic about discovering even more.  There was such a feeling of camaraderie and love in the group, that everyone decided that they wanted to continue this particular conversation and book in our next meeting.  We realized that we have only just begun to understand what it might be like to build "strong moments" into our daily lives, and not being very practiced at it, we know we would like more time to work with the concept and support one another in the endeavor.

I had begun this particular post with the intention of writing about our new home (I say "our" because of Izzy and Aslan).  I hadn't been able to allow myself to think too much about the house until recently.  I just didn't like the idea of living by myself and spending all of that money!  I was gently led in the direction of the particular home I purchased (perhaps more on that another time, as this post is so long).  My purchase of the home in Redmond Ridge is another example of God looking out for me, although I think on this particular subject, I gave some resistance.  I simply didn't think I "deserved" it, and I am rather concerned about payments and working when I am 70 . . . ah, well, I am learning to trust a little more as I walk forward into the unknown.  It is easier to trust, in that miracles have transpired to make it all possible for me.

"We" are moving into a home in Redmond Ridge, directly across the street from a park.  There is playground equipment for little ones, a tennis court and basketball court for their growing years, and a large enough public barbecue to be able to cook for an army, if they should choose to visit.  It all seems MUCH too nice for me, but as long as I think it may be for "us" - including all the grandkids - I can be a little more comfortable with it.  The home will be finished around October 24, and I am greatly anticipating the move-in, having suddenly become interested in decorating it over the last two weeks.

This is what it looked like the day I purchased it.  The houses in the back are by the same builder, but are not the same format as mine.  I am purchasing a "courtyard home" which is built nearly up to the street (not more than 3' of front yard, and has only a side yard or courtyard, with an alley behind the house.  Low upkeep for me, yet still a single-family home (not a condo).  I am hoping that Izzy will adjust to that courtyard and not do the usual barking she does whenever I leave her.  This is a miracle that is absolutely necessary to my happiness, as I really don't want life without Izzy, but also cannot afford to keep paying for day-care for her.  Neighbors putting up with the barking is not an option.

This is the park across the street.  Something for everyone, and someone else does the mowing!

The picture at the top of this post is of Izzy and me on our new front porch, taken two days ago (I'm wearing the skirt I was wearing in my "Yoga Gypsy" dream).  The house is coming along, and I am starting to really get excited!  I've decided that I am going to "do away" with my old Pre-Raphaelite paintings, although I have loved them for so long.  I realized shortly after Brett left that all of those pictures are of helpless women, who are mostly just about to die (Lady of Shallot, Juliet, LaBelle Dame Sans Merci, etc.).  I've decided that I want the image of strong and happy women to surround me, and I've chosen art that I've never even considered before, like the Degas "Dancing Girls" that follows (and by the way, they look like "Nia Yoga Gypsies!").  I want that image to be my new inspiration; strong moments, full of light, movement and joy.

Refuge

Several months ago, Midnight found healing and refuge in the care of then 12-year-old Hannah LeFevre.  Hannah is the youngest daughter of my friend, Melanie, and Hannah has a passion for horses (and all other animals).  She had been looking for a horse to call her own for the last couple of years, and had been quite discouraged by the lack of contenders.  I kept suggesting that Midnight would be the perfect match for Hannah's loving heart, but Melanie was concerned that since Midnight had been neglected for more than a year, he might be hard for petite Hannah to control.  I spent quite a few months trying to convince Melanie, while at the same time, trying to convince Brett that the LeFevre home was the perfect shelter for Midnight.

Finally, after I gave up on trying, Brett called Melanie, and Hannah and Melanie went out to meet Midnight in  Duvall.  It was love-at-first-sight for Hannah, who wouldn't leave without getting her mother's permission to give Midnight a try at their home.  Melanie, with great trepidation and concern that her daughter's heart might get broken by this older "war horse," (Civil War Reenactment), consented, and Brett took Midnight over to the LeFevre pasture.

When Midnight arrived, he was sick and suffering.  Every rib stuck out, he was wormy, and his hooves were in desperate need of care.  Always timid around other horses, Midnight would never do what was necessary to push his way in for food.  He'd had a year's worth of neglect and lack of feeding, and it showed.  I went to see Midnight the day he arrived at the LeFevre's and I sobbed when I saw my poor old friend in such a sorrowful state.  It was hard to imagine that he could recover.

After the first time seeing Midnight in such a forlorn state, I couldn't bear to look at him again.  I felt so responsible for what had happened to him - as if I had contributed to his desertion.  I imagined that he looked at me as if to say: "How could you let this happen to me?"  I asked myself the same question.

When it was determined that Izzy, Aslan and I would also join Midnight at the LeFevre "sanctuary," I wondered what it would be like for me to see Midnight on a daily basis.  I wondered if I would feel a constant sense of guilt.  My first night at the house, I couldn't even look up from boxes and bedding to take a look outside.  I was utterly exhausted, aching and overwhelmed.  I collapsed into bed at the end of a long and grueling day, and tried to empty my mind of everything that had just transpired.

The next day, Sunday, I was talking to Melanie and Dave in the kitchen, when Hannah called out for me to come to the front door.  Hannah is a delightful magic fairy child, and I love being in her presence.  I eagerly moved to the front to see what was on her mind.  When I arrived at the open doorway, there stood a grinning Hannah, with Midnight at her side!  I could hardly recognize him from the destitute creature I had sobbed over just a few months earlier.  Now, Midnight glowed with health as a result of the love that had been poured out on him.  I have never seen him more responsive, his coat more shiny, his hair more neatly combed, and his spirit so relaxed and . . . happy.  Yes, happy, and as I watched him greet Isabeau in their old loving way, and observed Hannah's tender care of him, I felt happy, too.  My heart welled up with the feeling, and I gave way to it.  There seemed to be a little whisper coming from Midnight to me saying: "If I can get better, so can you."

Hannah spends almost every waking moment with Midnight, and if possible, I believe she would sleep in his barn with him.  She makes him "apple sandwiches" and custom-blended grated carrots mixed with honey and oats for snacks.  She can be quite firm with him, too, and she is teaching him not only to canter, but also to jump hurdles, something he has never done before, but gladly does for Hannah.

At almost any time of the day, I can look outside and see Hannah riding Midnight bareback, with her hair streaming behind in the wind, as she runs full tilt through the course she has set up, complete with obstacles for him to maneuver around.  What makes this particular scene even more charming is to watch Hannah's little Dacshound, Jasper (Jazz) run full force behind Midnight and Hannah, circling the course as they have, as if he thought that he, too was the most magnificent and beloved steed.

Hannah is currently practicing standing while riding Midnight, and so far, this is the only condition under which I have seen her use a saddle.  Midnight obediently and willingly does anything that Hannah instructs him to do.  He knows, as I do, that Hannah has saved his life, and brought new hope to his heart.

As for Isabeau (Izzy) and Aslan, they have already been soaking in the relaxation that comes with the LeFevre household.  Anthony and TJ Leafty had moved my bed, nightstands, and dining room table to "my room" at the LeFevre's a week before our actual move.  While Izzy and Aslan had been quite upset the two weeks prior to the actual move, once they saw all of the familiar surroundings at the LeFevre's, they settled down immediately.  No transition period for them, whatsoever.  What makes life even more fascinating for them, is that our room looks out over the chicken coop, where there is constant daily activity that begins at 4:15 every morning when the rooster lets us know - quite clearly and often - that the sun is about to come up.  They are both convinced that the show is completely for their own entertainment, and they soak in every moment.

Isabeau's Perpetual Position at the Le Fevre Home

Aslan Looking Towards Midnight in His Pasture

Melanie (on the left) is an extraordinary person - Hannah (and the other LeFevre kids) come by their magical qualities quite naturally.  Melanie is a master gardener, takes care of the llamas, chickens, goats, cow and two dogs, works as a massage therapist (tremendously gifted), and gives smiles and love all around to anyone lucky enough to be in her presence.  She has made me and my little family feel very much at home here, in the largest and most beautiful room in the house.  Sharla Dance (on the right) has long been a treasured friend, and lives only a few blocks away.  I took this picture on my first Sunday here, while we walked through the garden, picked fresh berries, kale, and gathered ingredients for our daily morning "green smoothie."  Melanie and I have made an agreement to support one another in healthy eating and living, and I am being quite dedicated to exercise and good, organic food. 

This life is so "normal" and so very different than the life I have been living for the last year-and-a-half!  The windows of our room look out not only on the chickens, but also on Midnight in one direction, and the garden in the other.  It is a beautiful "bed-and-breakfast suite," and I can hardly believe my good fortune!

Hannah, sister Larisa, and Sharla's daughter, Jeanna, all check on the tender garden plants.  In the two weeks since this picture was taken, this garden area has exploded with life.

Overall, things seem to thrive at the LeFevre farmstead.  Because of this, I surprisingly haven't felt any rush to move to my new home; I am trying to live in the present, and follow Melanie's urging that I allow this to be a time of healing for me.  I believe Midnight is right in the secret he shared with me: all of us can find health and happiness at the LeFevre sanctuary.

Deliverance From Bondage

I have wanted to record the events that led to my recent deliverance, but have felt inadequate to do so.  Mere words, combined with my shortcomings, fall far short of relaying the power and wonder of it all.  However,  I realize that even though I feel inadequate to the task, it is necessary that I record the events before they are lost to the fuzzy results of an overcrowded life.

It all began on Passover, April 7, 2012.  I had made a goal for myself that I would try to begin to live my life again.  I know it sounds dramatic, yet any description of the abnormality of my existence would fall short of the reality, as compared to what my life had been three years earlier, when Brett and I had been sealed in the Manti Temple on Passover, then April 11, 2009.

Passover has been a sacred and meaningful day for me ever since I began my study of the ancient Israelite holidays.  Passover marks Israel's deliverance from the bondage of Egypt, but it's symbols point to a deeper and more dramatic deliverance - the deliverance from sin and death through the Atonement of the Lamb of God.  I have "kept" Passover for many years, and shared its beauty with hundreds of people, including seminary and institute students, members of my Stake, audiences at Education Week, and close friends and family.

As I had pondered and prayed over how I might start to "reclaim" any semblance of the Lynda that had existed before the breakup of my marriage, it seemed right and natural that I should hold a Passover dinner intended not only to share the beauty of the ritualistic event, but also to thank the wonderful people who had carried me through the last year-and-a-half.  I couldn't think of anything more "right," life-affirming or testimony-building than opening my home and my heart in this way.

When the day for the Feast arrived, Brandee Leafty came to help me prepare and to offer her love and support.  Even as the sun rose over the trees in the backyard, I felt a sense of breath coming back into my lungs.  Every thing seemed so "normal," as I unpacked the dishes from the cupboard, dishes that I hadn't touched in the year plus since Brett had left.  As I purchased and prepared food, my feelings were somewhat equivalent to having cardiac paddles placed on my chest and the electric charge turned up to produce a heart beat.  The "normal" feeling of life came as a shock, and I became shaky and teary over it.  I had been going on a robotic auto-pilot of going to work, coming home, mowing, weeding, cleaning, taking care of animals, etc. . . . all "going through the motions" in a stunned and silent state.  Now that the sun was shining, and the aroma of spices filled the air, while goblets and china were laid out on the table, I hardly knew what to do with my sense of deja vu and the slippery sensation of time performing roller-coaster loop-de-loops.

At one point, as I tried to express this shock over "normal" to Brandee, I said, "Why, it all feels so normal that I expect Brett to walk through the front door in the next five minutes." . . . and he did!  I hadn't seen Brett for months, and hadn't spoken to him for almost as long, yet within three minutes of those words, the doorbell rang, and Brett stood on the doorstep!  Talk about "normal" overwhelm!  I couldn't even react, because it all seemed so right and natural as Brett explained that he had felt compelled to come and wanted to ask me - for the first time - if I would be open to exploring the possibility of getting back together.

Brett ended up staying for Passover dinner, which all seemed so "normal" that I felt that I was in a daze as to where I actually was, and in which time zone of my life.  Because the events happened in this way, I felt certain that God was at the helm, and also certain that He couldn't possibly be bringing Brett back into my life unless it was to heal the relationship.

Several weeks passed of more roller-coaster bedazzled shock waves of reality and unreality.  I rocked between giddiness and despair as I realized that the Brett I was talking to was nothing like the man I had been married to.  I have truly never known anyone to change so completely, and I have fought that fact ever since Brett's "return" on Passover.  Because of my feelings about eternity and our sealing, I just couldn't believe that a few more times together wouldn't bring back the man I married, but, tragically, this was/is not the case.  In the end, Brett decided that he prefers his new/changed life, and that there will be no relationship between us.  More shock waves for me to deal with while still standing on ever-shifting sands, and trying to keep things together with my new career and the responsibilities of managing the home which had to be in ever-perfect condition for any prospective buyers.

At the end of one particularly rocky encounter with Brett, as I tearfully closed the door behind him, I felt a voice inside my heart say "The house will sell tomorrow."  Brett had forcefully announced for the tenth time (or more) that he had a new life and did not even view me as his "former" wife.  There was a finality to this particular pronouncement, and I had the sense that God had taken Brett's actions and declarations quite seriously.  I knew that the Lord had heard my prayers and had called Brett back at the first possible moment that he was even open to the idea, but each of these encounters, while inviting Brett to healing and to covenant, were also showing me that Brett had made a decided choice not to accept.  There was a sense of "shaking the dust off the feet" when I heard the door close, and the voice inside my heart declared "The house will sell tomorrow."  I didn't doubt it for a moment.

The next morning, in the midst of out-of-town company (Laurie, Andy, Asher and Rowan), Will and Joyce Stowe came by to see the house for the first time.  We had all gone to the zoo after wildly readying the house for their visit.  I received a call while I stood in the African Safari area of the zoo from the Stowe's agent, and I knew even as the phone was ringing that "this was it."  How could that be - after so many promising buyers that came to naught?  Because God had told me that this was the way it was going to be.  It was a testimony to me, and I hope that in some corner of his heart, it has been a testimony to Brett, too.

Will and Joyce did not make an offer that first week, but I patiently waited for it to come.  In the meantime, I received a call from the Stake executive secretary, who told me that President Tanner wanted to bring the visiting General Authority to my home!  Of all the people who are hurting and struggling, and the hundreds of souls who would love to have such a visit, I was one of two people in our Stake who was chosen for the honor.  How to respond?

How does one greet an emissary of the Lord?  I wanted to kneel, of course, when Elder Christianson pulled into the driveway with President Tanner.  I told them that I did not wish to talk in the few minutes allotted for the visit, but to listen.  As it turns out, they insisted that I talk, and President Tanner began with something of my history.  They offered to give me a blessing, which I gratefully accepted.  While I had hoped for a direct quotation regarding the state of my eternal marriage, what came instead was a blessing of love and comfort.  While his hands were placed on my head, I had the impression that the Lord was telling me that my bondage was over, and that it was time to stop mourning . . . something I have not done very well.  Within an hour, the Stowes made their second visit to the house, and presented an offer.  Of course.  Yes, there could be no doubt that the Lord's hand was in it, and there would not be any way of dismissing it as anything else.


So, my deliverance from bondage and my path to freedom has been set before me.  There is more to tell, and I will do so in the next few days/weeks. 


There is a saying that the Lord took the Israelites out of Egypt, but that He couldn't take Egypt out of the Israelites.  I struggle with the same scars upon my soul and my heart.  I know that the Lord is offering relief; there is no question in my mind about that Truth.  I know that the Atonement is real, and that Christ can erase it all.  I am working hard to surrender it all to Him, and to allow Him to clean the slate.  I want to have the suffering and pain removed, yet I do not want to lose the memory of the precious moments that have shaped me so.  Some days, I tell the Lord that I am letting go of Brett, and I mean it . . . and then there are other days that I cling to what seemed to me to be the happiest days of my life. 


I have a better understanding of Lot's wife now than I ever did before.  I am quite certain that she had left loved ones (perhaps children?) in Sodom, and she knew that that fiery rain was going to burn and destroy them.  I heard a saying recently that she turned to salt because of the deluge of her tears.  There has been a constant taste of salt on my tongue from the steady flow of tears that never seem to end.  Yes, it all sounds quite dramatic, but what does sealing, eternity, covenant, and mission mean?  Do we lightly walk away when all seems impossible?  Particularly when the one we love has chosen something so alien to covenant?


Yesterday, I reached the point that I knew that I was either going to take my life or change my life entirely.  As Dr. Phil would ask "How's that working for you?" I'd have to answer that the last year-and-a-half hasn't been working very well at all.  I recognize that even though my heart may feel one thing - devotion, loyalty and commitment - my head and my logic need to get some stability and health.  Therefore, very tentatively, because it is all new ground for me, I am embarking on a new adventure to "clean my brain" and establish new ways of thinking and being in the world.  It seems like that is the only way that I can honor God and walk the path to freedom that He has placed before me.  I will need lots of support along the way, as I have been riding a roller-coaster of sorrow and grief for far too long.


Many thanks for all of the love and support I receive from all of you, and to Virginia, for the slap-in-the-face or cold-water-in-the-face treatment she gave in her comment to my earlier blog post.  Please just know, dear Virginia, that it is hard to stay sane and clear when doing so much on my own, surrounded by ghosts and memories.

A Painful Goodbye

I signed the papers on my home today.  It's gone, no longer mine.  While I am thrilled that the new owners love the place, are raising a young family, and plan to put the land to use, I'm also mourning.  Everyone keeps telling me how happy they are for me; how I needed to "get rid of the place," and how I am going to "have a new start."  I know that they love me and that they mean well; I know that it is nearly impossible to know what to say, but all of this is making it harder and harder for me to share what I really feel.

When I think about "our place," this is what I picture:

Brett happy and sitting like an imp two stories above the floor, after installing the new chandelier.  Every time he worked on a house project, he laughed and joked, swirled me around, added a few kisses and a dance, and told me how glad he was to have the opportunity to help.  It never ceased to amaze me that Brett could be so positive about doing all of the fix-it jobs.  He was a pure delight when it came to putting up curtain rods, helping with the dishes, or mowing the lawn.  I'll never forget his response the first time he saw me on my knees cleaning a bathroom floor.  With tears in his eyes, he firmly declared that he never wanted to see me in that position again, and that he would take over all bathroom cleaning and floor washing.  And he did.  He made a contest for himself, to see if he could do a better job than I had done, and with his teasing grin, he would tell me how he was constantly improving his performance.

Brett on the ATV, having the time of his life, yet stopping by to make sure I remembered that he loved me.  Notice that devilish grin again.  Brett enjoyed the land - and the ATV - with all of his heart.  He rode like a crazy man, yet was always careful when I accompanied him, me riding on the back and holding on to him tightly (not necessarily because I was afraid).   (By the time I moved, I had learned to ride like a crazy woman too).

The ham radio in Brett's teeth was his idea for always being able to talk to each other, no matter how far apart we were (although I think we only used it once or twice).  Brett used to have a hard time when we were separate, and would swear that he would never allow us to spend a night apart.  He was positive that Adam and Eve had trouble because they had separated from one another in the Garden, and the first words out of his mouth after watching the full Lord of the Rings trilogy were: "Why didn't Arwen and Aragorn stay together?  They should have never separated."  Oh, how true those words were!

I remember my concern when we first bought the land, because Brett would need to spend hours mowing, and we would have that much less time together.  But we always found a way around those kinds of difficulties: I usually mowed the front yard while he zipped around the back and sides with the ATV/field mower, waving to me and smirking whenever he was within sight.

The boots Brett bought me for my birthday, specifically intended for my "farm girl" new life.  I never gave up wearing the skirts (that's just me), but I loved my new footwear, and wore them until they had more holes in them than roses.  The last time I wore them, Faith and I walked in the creek, and there was absolutely no protection whatsoever from the water.  That was just a week or two before I moved, and I reluctantly threw those precious boots away as I packed up my things to leave.

We loved taking pictures, journalling, and documenting our life together.  Every particle of our life together seemed to revolve around the deep love we shared.  I can honestly say that Brett made me feel that I was the center of his universe, and his constant loving gestures were a delight that brought healing balm and joy to my soul.

Brett laboring - again with joy - to put in the fence for Midnight.  It was the first order of business when we moved in . . .

Brett's Grandpa showed up as a surprise one day, garbed in his work clothes and ready to help get the fence completed.  What a wonderful experience it was to have Brett and his grandfather share such a loving endeavor!  I kept stealing peeks through the windows, even though I was supposed to be unpacking and painting.  I just couldn't help smiling every time I looked out and saw them working and laughing together.

All of that labor had had one purpose.  It was the same purpose for which we bought the house/land in the first place: to make a home for Midnight.

Midnight loved the place, and seemed to feel safe for the first time in his life.  He consumed the grass so quickly that he became quite fat within just a few weeks!  I love this picture for capturing his gentle spirit, and the beauty of the land.

This is one of my favorite pictures of Brett, taken just a few minutes after bringing Midnight home.  I think Brett looks so relaxed and truly happy.  This was a day we had spoken of for years.  Midnight's happiness and presence meant so much to us that the one name we kept coming back to for our home was "Midnight's Landing."  

There had been a very special bond between Midnight and Brett, Midnight and me, Midnight and Isabeau, and Midnight and Faith and Austin.  It never ceased to amaze me that Midnight could be so intuitively gentle.  Faith used to run up to him with her hands full of carrots, a dangerous situation for most toddlers whose little fingers can so easily get wrapped up with the carrot offerings, but Midnight would softly and slowly separate the veggies from her hands, and no hurt ever came to anyone.

We loved hosting dinners at our home, especially for family.  This was our first Thanksgiving at the house, and Brett, as usual, was right in the midst of it all.  I loved the fact that Brett was such an equal in the kitchen and in prepping, hosting and cleaning up after any event.  We had so much fun planning all of the details and carrying them out.  He was my beloved partner in everything.

Austin and Faith loved Midnight, and Brett loved taking them for rides.  Brett was as loving and gentle with the kids as any true grandparent would be, but he was ten times more fun because of his youthful energy.

I remember that when the kids stayed overnight, Faith would often be fretful in the night.  Brett always insisted that he was the one who wanted to go and get her and bring her into our bed.  He was a natural, and always calmed her down - and then riled her up in the daylight hours!

People make me feel like I'm not supposed to talk about Brett.  At worst, they tell me that he was just a pretender who used me (are these pictures congruent with that idea?).  At best, people tell me that like Job, God will reward me ten-fold.  I ask "Do you mean I am going to get Brett X 2 or X 10?"  Because I really don't think that is possible.  And I don't think it is possible to "replace" one person with another.  Brett was my soulmate and companion in every way; I've never been so compatible with another human being on so many levels.  And I have never known such joy and love.

People love me and they want me to "move on."  They tell me that I should be really excited about my new home, as if that should become the new center of my thoughts and dreams . . . but I've had new homes before.  I've designed and decorated them, and then packed them up and moved away again.  Truth be told, I can't imagine any home, or any property, coming close to measuring up to the home I've just left.  Yes, it is true that I had grave concerns before moving into it, and I felt very overwhelmed by its cost and time commitment.  I feel that the Lord was warning me about what was coming.  But I came to love that home, and particularly that land, with all of my soul, and I found real healing as I walked through the creek, and laid on my back in the pasture, watching Isabeau run and the hawks circle overhead.  It was everything that Brett and I had dreamed of . . . together.

How can a home - or any thing - fill the hole that has been left by the departure of my beloved?  I still really don't understand what happened.  Even Brett can't make it make sense to me.  I feel that "my" Brett has entirely disappeared; I've only seen tiny glimpses of him for a second here or there over the last year-and-a-half.  How can I ever find peace with that?

I've wondered quite often if "Mrs. Noah" was ever happy after the door closed on the ark.  How many of her loved ones were outside, drowning?  Yes, it had to be strengthening to know that God was aware of her and her family, and that she had been chosen to begin the human race again, but how to close the door of her heart against the loss?  I know that God is aware of me, and loves me.  But my constant prayer to Him is not for myself . . . it is for Brett.

Today, signing away our dream home felt like another divorce, another step away from all that I have held precious.  . . .  I don't feel that I am seen, heard, or understood when I try to express that fact.  "It's not healthy for you to dwell on the past; you've got to look to your future," people tell me.  What future?  Isn't my future my distant past all made up over again?  I'm not a 20 or 30-year old just discovering how life works.  I'd found a way to cope and work with things before I met Brett, and then he came into my life like a bolt of lightning.  I resisted it, but the Lord gave me the strongest direction that I ever received, before or since.  I felt that the Lord was telling me that I was meant to be happy, and that I would now have "my reward" for the way I had faced the difficulties of my life.  I would now see what true happiness was, what true love and a celestial marriage were . . . But people tell me that if it was love, I wouldn't be where I am now, and in that process, they strip away what little I have left.  They question that I could have received revelation that would tell me to marry Brett.  If I did not receive revelation then, I have never received it at all.  Simple as that.

I always felt that people did not understand Brett.  I spent a great deal of time trying to remedy that, but with little success.  Now, I feel that people also do not understand me.  It is a very lonely place for me to be.  I think most people shake their heads with pity over me, and feel that I have lost my reason.

What is reason?  What is truth?  Most people in the world disagree over the answers to those questions.  I believe that truth is the most precious commodity that exists.  Some years ago, my book club read the book "The Goose Girl," which posits that all of us are born with a word on our tongue that defines us.  It is when we discover and speak that word that we come to know our true selves and our mission.  I knew immediately that my word was "Truth."  It always has been.  Brett used to commend and love me for it.  I've only recently realized that my middle name, Veree (accent over the last e), is a derivative of the Latin verite for truth.  It seems fitting and telling that I have carried that name all along without realizing it.  I think that one of the most difficult aspects of life is that we experience it in a mostly-blind state.  I know that I am constantly aware of just how blind I am.

Now, more than ever, I wish that I could see.