Strong Moments

It's been nearly five weeks since we (Izzy, Aslan and I) moved out of our Carnation home.  Each day seems to bring more strength and healing, as I have left behind that monument to broken dreams.  Being at the LeFevre refuge, as featured below, has really provided the space for breathing, feeling and making new goals.

I had made a plan that the moment I "landed" at the LeFevre's, I was going to concentrate some real effort on my physical, mental and spiritual health.  The duties required by my 11-acre, for-sale home just didn't give me any opportunity to do that when combined with my work schedule.  But now, I am happy to say, I am incorporating some healthy adjustments that have already made a difference in how I am feeling.

I have found my way back to yoga, which has long been a powerful influence in my life, and I am loving it.  I had spent some time trying to find the right studio, and once found, trying to find a class that would work with my schedule.  I learned a long time ago that there is a big difference between yoga studios and yoga philosophies, and I had been spoiled by learning from one of the best, Robin Rothenberg, of the Yoga Barn. Unfortunately, Robin closed her doors this last year, and I had to sift through all of the "Hot Yoga" and the modernized, American version that is taught at most of the local gyms.  I love the "real" yoga philosophy that is so healing to mind, body and spirit, where the teacher invites you to practice with intention and often uses guided imagery to keep your thoughts from running here and there.  Not to mention the fact that they actually know human physiology and what is most effective for healing and strengthening the body.

I discovered that some of the teachers from the Yoga Barn had made their way over to the Village Green Yoga studio in Issaquah, and I did a little investigation to see what the philosophy of the studio was.  I was delighted after attending my first "Nia" class - a form of yoga I had never experienced before.  It incorporates yoga, Tai Chi, and dance, and is very flowing and mindful.  So good for my wounded heart, as well as my sore and painful body!  Stephanie, the teacher, invited her class to do a little "Nia" in the garden of her five-acre home, and it was exquisitely beautiful in every way.  The lyrics to the songs she played spoke of praising God, welcoming His love into our hearts, and greeting Nature with gratitude and love.  Our bodies wove and danced in sequences that were completely in harmony with the words of the songs, and I felt transported to a place called Hope and Life.  Tears ran down my face as I prayed out loud all the way back to the office, gratitude running over as thanked God for leading me to that place.

The time away from the grief and mourning I experienced in the Carnation home has also allowed me to really see how the Lord has been constantly with me.  While I had felt punished and cast off, I've come to realize that the Lord really has answered every one of my prayers, including having the opportunity to speak to Brett again and tell him all the things that I had wanted to tell him when he left.  The Lord, of course, could not control Brett's choices, but there is no question now in my mind that He allowed me to have that experience that I had prayed for, even though it didn't turn out the way I wanted it to.

Finding the yoga studio and Stephanie, my teacher, is another example of God's help and direction in my life.  Some months ago, I had a very significant dream that re-directed me to yoga.  Before going to sleep, I had cried out to God that I just "wanted to be held," and I had fallen asleep with tears drenching my pillow.  In the dream, I found that I was being held by "someone" - I don't know who - but that I had a feeling that I wanted to take a walk away from that person, and explore my surroundings a little.

As I began to walk, I began to wake up to the beauty of the nature around me.  I heard the birds singing, and I noticed the leaves on the trees, and the way the sunlight created so many different patterns and colors.  In the dream, I began to stretch and do some of the yoga movements that I have been taught in the past, unlocking my stiff shoulders and painful neck.  These movements seemed to become one with my awareness of the beauty around me, as I walked through the lush wooded area. My movements began to become more free, as I really reached out to the beauty around me, and I suddenly realized that with some of the movements, reaching out towards the leaves, I was lifting off of the ground!  I started giggling, and looked down at my body, and said out loud: "What is this!?"  I then heard the Lord laughing back at me, and the words He said were: "You are my Yoga Gypsy!"  (I hesitate writing this because it is so personal, but my real intent with this blog is to create a journal book for myself, eventually, and sometimes I wish that other people were not reading, so that I could be completely open without fear of judgement or misunderstanding.)

Brett had called me his Gypsy because of my love of wearing colorful skirts and running barefoot out in the fields.  My love for nature, animals, music and large earrings also added to the picture.  I had felt forlorn after Brett left, because I didn't think anyone else saw me this way, and therefore, I would not be "allowed" to let this part of my personality shine.  But, the dream told me otherwise.  I've come to realize that Brett didn't "make" me a Gypsy, or a teacher, or a "girl," or anything else.  What Brett did is recognize those qualities in me and praise me for them.  He allowed me the opportunity to be myself, and now, I want to see myself as I am,and embrace those characteristics.  I feel that the dream was telling me that God saw me for who I am, but He had also given me a direction to healing . . . yoga.  So, last week when I was praying about the fact that my body was in pain, and I needed help, a little voice inside of me said: "I've already told you what to do about that," . . . and off to yoga I went.

Another important health tool I've brought into my life is a circle of friends, women I admire and respect.  I invited some of them to share my journey with me, not sure of whether they would do so only for my sake, or if they, too, might be in search of some of the same things I am.  I had been introduced to the "StrengthsFinder" through work, and had been very impressed by the principles taught by Marcus Buckingham, a pioneer in using strengths as the basis for our lives, rather than focusing too heavily on all that we need to improve.  I had picked up a book and book-on-CD written by Marcus called "Find Your Strongest Life," and asked my friends if they would like to join me in exploring our strengths and building a stronger life.  There were various reactions, largely based on not knowing what this might really be about.  As our first meeting began, many of us were still having a hard time identifying the "strong moments" as Marcus calls them, in our individual lives.  I don't think as women we are even trained to think in those terms!  We are always thinking about how we can strengthen others.  But, as the meeting went on, women started helping each other to identify their strengths, and smiles started to burst through all of the seriousness.  Someone who said she didn't have any strengths, went home with a notepad full of them, and felt more enthusiastic and optimistic about discovering even more.  There was such a feeling of camaraderie and love in the group, that everyone decided that they wanted to continue this particular conversation and book in our next meeting.  We realized that we have only just begun to understand what it might be like to build "strong moments" into our daily lives, and not being very practiced at it, we know we would like more time to work with the concept and support one another in the endeavor.

I had begun this particular post with the intention of writing about our new home (I say "our" because of Izzy and Aslan).  I hadn't been able to allow myself to think too much about the house until recently.  I just didn't like the idea of living by myself and spending all of that money!  I was gently led in the direction of the particular home I purchased (perhaps more on that another time, as this post is so long).  My purchase of the home in Redmond Ridge is another example of God looking out for me, although I think on this particular subject, I gave some resistance.  I simply didn't think I "deserved" it, and I am rather concerned about payments and working when I am 70 . . . ah, well, I am learning to trust a little more as I walk forward into the unknown.  It is easier to trust, in that miracles have transpired to make it all possible for me.

"We" are moving into a home in Redmond Ridge, directly across the street from a park.  There is playground equipment for little ones, a tennis court and basketball court for their growing years, and a large enough public barbecue to be able to cook for an army, if they should choose to visit.  It all seems MUCH too nice for me, but as long as I think it may be for "us" - including all the grandkids - I can be a little more comfortable with it.  The home will be finished around October 24, and I am greatly anticipating the move-in, having suddenly become interested in decorating it over the last two weeks.

This is what it looked like the day I purchased it.  The houses in the back are by the same builder, but are not the same format as mine.  I am purchasing a "courtyard home" which is built nearly up to the street (not more than 3' of front yard, and has only a side yard or courtyard, with an alley behind the house.  Low upkeep for me, yet still a single-family home (not a condo).  I am hoping that Izzy will adjust to that courtyard and not do the usual barking she does whenever I leave her.  This is a miracle that is absolutely necessary to my happiness, as I really don't want life without Izzy, but also cannot afford to keep paying for day-care for her.  Neighbors putting up with the barking is not an option.

This is the park across the street.  Something for everyone, and someone else does the mowing!

The picture at the top of this post is of Izzy and me on our new front porch, taken two days ago (I'm wearing the skirt I was wearing in my "Yoga Gypsy" dream).  The house is coming along, and I am starting to really get excited!  I've decided that I am going to "do away" with my old Pre-Raphaelite paintings, although I have loved them for so long.  I realized shortly after Brett left that all of those pictures are of helpless women, who are mostly just about to die (Lady of Shallot, Juliet, LaBelle Dame Sans Merci, etc.).  I've decided that I want the image of strong and happy women to surround me, and I've chosen art that I've never even considered before, like the Degas "Dancing Girls" that follows (and by the way, they look like "Nia Yoga Gypsies!").  I want that image to be my new inspiration; strong moments, full of light, movement and joy.